Still

It’s 3a.m. and the room is dark. My toddler is in bed asleep, practicing her jiu jitsu and my husband is sleeping. I am sitting in the corner of the bedroom in a chair that swallows you whole. You know, the ones that wrap around your body and holds you, and you just sink. My feet are warm on the carpet. The blind is half open and the window is cracked to let air in because it’s summer and it’s hot.  Outside, I can see the streetlights and they glow dimly, like someone telling you an illicit secret.

I am holding the baby. She has a sweet scent. Every once in a while she opens her eyes, looks at me intently, then goes back to sleep. She just turned, and her little hands rest on my chest . It feels like a warm embrace. She is safe. I am too.

I am still. But I am angry and disappointed, and I am just sitting here with it. Earlier I had thought about what to do with my anger and disappointment and the math didn’t add up. If I scream, the problem will still be there. If I cry, the problem will still be there. If I storm out, it will still be there and I will gain nothing. So I sit here, absorbing the stillness the night has to offer, and I am enjoying every minute of it.

I don’t want morning to come.

I can see it already. The deep dark pigment of the sky is starting to fade, the light has begun pressing through. Morning is coming soon, and when it does, the stillness will disappear. The noise will return. The roles, the performances, the responsibilities will all kick in, and I will not be this still. I want to encapsulate this moment in a snow globe and sit inside it on endless repeat. It’s so peaceful. It’s so safe. I don’t want to come out.

If anyone woke up right now I am sure they will be frightened. Because who sits in the dark at 3a.m with their eyes wide open, watching a baby, not doing anything? It would look so strange. Maybe it is strange.

I have to embrace the fact that I can’t hold this moment because everything that has a beginning has an end, and just like this stillness will end, so will the problem I am sitting in. I just need to sit it through. Just like this time is sitting itself through, fading away slowly. And so I will wait, still