It is fine. I am fine.

I am in so much pain. Two days ago, I got rejected for a job I had applied for. I have been job hunting for a while and this one looked like something I could easily get because it sounded like something I could really do and do well with little to no training. The email was very polite, short and straight to the point and at some point I started wondering how it felt to be the person who sends those emails. Was it something on a to-do list that after sending they marked as complete?  Anyway, the rejection came at a point when I really needed the job and seeing it was literally heartbreaking. I read the email once and put the phone down, looked at my child and whispered everything was going to be ok. She smiled at me and it felt like reassurance. I held myself together and moved on. There was one thing that I was looking forward to and it was fine. I had just built a home for my thoughts. A website. I had built it from scratch, deploying it almost 197 times until it felt habitable. I had opened a Spotify account and had just read one of them as the first episode. It really made me feel alive that I had built something I could call my own and even without readers, it felt nice to own a home. No one could reject me there and I had a place where I didn’t have to think about word limits or voice, so it was a win. I had that to hold on to.

Prior to building a home, I had submitted one of my essays to a journal. It’s the first time I had had the audacity to actually do something so brave and It was also the first time that I had found out about submissions. When I submitted, I read about the type of people who submitted there and I felt like I didn’t belong but I knew that not trying would not give me feedback so I let it be. The principle was I couldn’t claim to have failed if I didn’t try. I was so hopeful that something would come out of it.

Yesterday, I got an email telling me I was rejected. It ended with “Good luck on your writing.” I was in the kitchen making some plantain and they had just hit that beautiful golden brown hue. I had really anticipated eating it. When I saw the email, my heart literally dropped. I could feel the pain cascade in my legs, my chest and every fiber of my being. I however continued turning the plantain and removed them from the stove. I sat down and ate every single piece. I figured I might as well be full while in pain. The plantain was delicious in the mouth but the stomach was already full before I had even eaten a quarter of it… the joy of it was finished but I ate nonetheless. I showered the kids, turned off the lights and put a pillow on my head. The pain I felt was unimaginable but there was no one to hold me. I just whispered to God, “Give me strength, hold me and relieve the pain I am feeling.” I fell asleep at 9 pm for the first time in a very long time and I woke up at 4 am feeling rested. It was another day; the pain was dull. I made everyone breakfast and I am now in bed staring at the ceiling every once in a while while typing this.

I am not angry I got rejected. I understand that in all these places, I didn’t meet their criterion and that’s fair. I am just in overwhelming pain because in the last couple of weeks, I have been taking loss after loss. I know things will eventually work out and I just need to keep trying. I guess that’s why I am writing this in the first place. I am just being the donkey that fell in the pit and shook off the dust to eventually get out of the hole.

It is fine. I am fine.